I’m Back (… and I’ve Missed You All!)

Happy Holidays, friends! I know I have been the worst lately – no life updates at all. I’ve logged in here a couple of times in the past few weeks to write, but nothing seemed urgent or important enough to put on paper. I suppose this is a sign that recovery is going well. I’ve had a passing thought or two to write about, but they never came to fruition.

How is everything going with you? Have you been well? Are you thriving in your recovery? Have you had a setback and are not quite able to pick up the pieces, yet? Have you decided to abandon recovery, altogether, for some reason? I want to hear about all of it.

As for me, I’ve been doing well. Really well, actually. I’ve maintained my increased caloric intake, and even started taking off some weight – ssslllloooooooowlllllly, but surely. I’m getting stronger each time I train with my trainer. I got enough confidence back to go back to Zumba, and I remember why I love it. It gives me to much confidence. I’m feeling happy with myself.

I look in the mirror, most days, and think, “damn, Rosalyn, you look good.” Today was one of those days. I was getting ready to go out, and I had this outfit picked out and it was one of those times where it looked as good on as I had pictured it in my head. It was a short a-line skirt that came just above my belly button, with a crop top that let just the tiniest hint of tummy peek through. Not fat tummy, though. Toned tummy.

I’m not scared every time I eat more than my caloric allotment for the day – I know that it just happens, and I just have to go back to normal the next day. Overcorrecting is so unnecessary. Sometimes, I start to do it naturally, but by dinner, I am reminded that it is just not how my body needs to react any more. I got on the scale this morning and saw the 170’s for the first time since 2013. And, guess what, ya’ll? I didn’t have to starve to get here. I eat so much food. And I love every minute of it.

I did sign in here to sort something out that has been rattling on in my head, this evening, as I tend to do. So, bear with me for the rest of this post, if you’d like, or feel free to just comment below and say hi to let me know how you are doing :-).

As I said, I felt great tonight. The past few days, actually, I’ve just felt amazing about myself. Part of it could be due to recent pounds lost, but I think that is a small part compared to the part of me that is happy with who I am and who I am becoming. I was out with friends tonight, and was dreading it, because I can’t drink due to being on some meds for a moderate allergic reaction I had earlier this week (no clue what caused it – wtf?). But, alas, I went out and had a blast! Why? Because I felt good. Confident. I felt that, if people looked at me, it was because they were thinking, “damn, she’s hot.” Not, “why is she wearing that?” I was dancing up a storm and felt like the life of the party. It was one of those times that I really felt my beauty shone from within.

Which got me started thinking as to why I’m still single. Sometimes, I think I over estimate my readiness for a relationship. I talk the talk, but whenever an opportunity presents itself, I fail to follow through. Online dating is a prime example. I’ve met nice people, but never allowed anything to come of it. Maybe I’m not with anyone because I’m not actually there yet. Then again, there’s always the thought in the back of my head that I’m not with anyone because I’m not good enough.

Tonight, though, I didn’t feel that way. I’m a freaking catch, man! I’m smart and pretty and I care about people and things going on in the world. I have motivation and initiative and I am not scared of trying a lot of things. I’m one of those people who people talk about when I’m not there, saying, “she’s so gorgeous,” “she’s hilarious,” “she’s fun to be around,” but the comments rarely make it to my face. I know this because I’ve been told enough times that this has happened to believe that it’s true.

So, tell me, why then, do I find myself questioning myself when it comes to guys? A male friend of a friend, whom I’ve hooked up with before, will be in town for the holidays. He told my friend that, if he wasn’t overstepping boundaries, he would like to again. He said that since me, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone as attractive. Why do I find this to be a compliment? He doesn’t want me, the person, he wants me to just hook up with and leave alone. It makes me feel as though my self esteem is so low to feel as though that sounds nice to hear.

Meanwhile, the same night I’m tentatively seeing him, I’m supposed to have an actual date with someone from online who actually thinks I’m a cool person and wants to get to know me. Why does this seem like a less attractive option? Why can’t I do what I know is good for me and see him instead?

I like myself. I’m happy with myself. I rarely sleep around, and I’m proud of that. I know I have so much to offer the world, and maybe, I’m just getting to know myself so well and be happy here, that I’m not quite ready to let anyone else in, yet. Maybe I want to be selfish and enjoy feeling proud to be me, because honestly, I’ve never really felt that before. And, since I’ve never felt that, maybe it just feels good to know that a guy thinks I’m attractive and wants me physically, because I’m not used to that. Is that such a terrible thing, if we are both consenting adults and know what we are getting ourselves into?

Are these all possible things to feel? Can I feel all of these at the same time? It feels so contradictory. Ready to date, but to selfish to start. Wanting to hook up with someone, but wanting so much more. Being happy as me, but thinking that just isn’t enough.

I suppose I’ll just have to see what tomorrow brings. But, know this: I am enjoying the ability to make these decisions without having to use food to punish myself for making the “wrong” one. There is no right and wrong, I’m learning. So much of the world is colored in shades of grey. Ain’t it beautiful?

Rosalyn