Why can’t I answer these questions?

This evening, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who I consider to be a very close friend. She is someone who I want to stand with me when I  [eventually] get married, and one of the first people I want to call when I receive good or bad news. She identifies as a white woman, while I identify as Middle Eastern (after much discernment on my part, may I add.)

I’m not sure why I felt it necessary to get into this conversation. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off of an ACPA conference high and feel as though I have all of this information that I need to get out. Maybe it’s because I really feel as though she is wrong, and would like to be the person to change her mind. Maybe, it is because for the first time in my life I feel like a minority, and I am fighting for us.

However it wound up happening, though, it did. We find ourselves knee deep in a discussion about race and if it does or doesn’t exist. I firmly believe racism is prevalent in our society. She believes that the shooting of Michael Brown was justified, because he wasn’t “where he belonged.” She believes that affirmative action is “reverse racism” and that is the reason that she only got into one college and that she is having trouble finding a job.

No matter how hard I tried to challenge her views, she didn’t seem able to grasp concepts that seem so simple to me. Affirmative action isn’t reverse racism because you can’t oppress people who the system is built to help. While Michael Brown may not have been 100% cooperative at the right time, there is no reason he should’ve died for where he was walking. If he did deserve to die, Darren Wilson at least should be indicted and have his day in court, even if he is not found guilty. She refused to believe that, had Michael Brown been white, he would either still be alive or the officer would’ve had to go to trial.

I tried to explain it to her using anecdotes. I recently discovered that a friend of mine, who I consider to be a fairly intimidating, large man, is scared to walk the streets of his hometown at night, because he is black and fears being stopped by the police for no reason. He has this fear because he has been before. Her response? “Well, at least he knows what he has to do to protect himself.”

I was unbelievably frustrated by this refusal to realize that it is ridiculous that a man should fear walking in his own neighborhood because of the color of his skin. So, I turn to an example that she could identify with.

“That’s like saying that it’s okay for me, as a person who identifies as a woman, to be afraid to wear a short skirt, because if I do, I could be assaulted. But, at least I know what I need to do to protect myself, right? Cover myself up.”

Her response was, first of all, to chuckle when I said, “identifies as a women,” and reply, “well what else would you identify as?” Oh, my friend, the knowledge you still have to gain. Then, she says, “well, you know, that’s really a stretch.” When I asked her what about it makes it a stretch, she couldn’t quite come up with an answer.

I then proceeded to tell personal stories of discrimination. The time an airport security guard looked at my last name and skin tone and said, “I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit intimidated by your tan, right now.” The time I was nearly not able to enter a country without explaining my heritage and religious background. The time a student from college called me “Rican” for an entire semester, out of refusal to believe I was Lebanese.

At the end of the conversation, we left it as the goal doesn’t have to be to change each other’s minds, but rather, to be able to freely speak and have the conversation. But, honestly, I don’t feel as though that was enough. I tried for over an hour to get her to understand my point of view, to get her to realize that racism is alive and thriving in this country, and just because she isn’t out there spitting at minorities doesn’t mean that she isn’t part of the problem.

How am I supposed to make a difference in this world, if I can’t even make a difference in the mind of a friend? How can I educate students if I can’t get her to realize that she needs an education? All of my conversations regarding race, religion and gender identities seem to end in the opposite party refusing to believe that they could be wrong, so how do I stop the hate?

It is not for lack of trying. Every day I find myself in another conversation about why this matters, and every day, I find another person at the opposite end who agrees, “black people just have a different amount of melanin in their skin,” but, uses that as a reason to justify, “so why should we allow a certain number of them into our schools and jobs?” It is discouraging to get so invested, only to see my attempts fail. How do I fight the fight and win?

Rosalyn