Say something; I’m giving up on you…

It’s amazing how devastating breaking up with ED is. I mean, I’m not a long term relationship person (as discussed in my last few posts, I’ve been in a relationship with ED for about 15 years, which made other long term relationships all but impossible to maintain). But, those 15 years with ED have seen highs and lows and everywhere in between. I understand the highs were fake and few and the lows are far more frequent and lower than anyone ever deserves to feel. That doesn’t change that it feels as though I’m losing my other half. I don’t know where to turn. Usually, when I’m feeling this way, I turn to… binging. And ED. And, I did this today.

Well, I will defend my recognition of ED. This morning, at my morning staff meeting, I was faced with chocolates from my supervisor. I didn’t eat any, because counter-ED was telling me not to. However, then I decided that everyone else had tried them, so why couldn’t I? So, I did. I had 3 and stopped. Good girl. Steph. That’s me. I disagreed with counter-ED. And I disobeyed ED, because he told me to eat all of them.

I was fine until lunch when I had a vegetarian taco salad. A few hours later though, faced with the chocolate in my office, I couldn’t resist. In good news, I didn’t hide in my office with the door closed gorging myself on a bag of chocolate. I did, however, continue to get up and get a few pieces here and there throughout the afternoon. I did separate me from ED. I knew it was him. I knew I didn’t want them. I even said it out loud. “Stop it ED. I know this is you and not me. I ate lunch. I’m not hungry. You want them, not me.” (Good thing no one walked into my office – talk about awkward).

Anyway, I didn’t let counter ED win for dinner either. I made myself a perfectly healthy dinner at my mom’s house, even while she cooked chicken for her and my sister. I made sprouted pasta with chunky vegetable sauce and chick peas, and I had salad. I lost some more of the battle when I ate more Christmas cookies than I should have at my staff meeting tonight. But, it was only half ED and half being in a social setting where I know I’m not equipped to control myself yet. However, when I got home, I didn’t eat any more. I stopped. I know I don’t want anything. I’m definitely full – probably too much so. I’m proud of myself for not stuffing a whole bag of anythign in my face in private shame over the course of 7 minutes. Baby steps.

Not to mention, with the exception of lunch (taco salad – in a bowl, not a shell) and dinner (pasta), I didn’t eat anything else besides junk food. So – I probably should’ve eaten more healthy things and maybe I wouldn’t have eaten junk. Physiological shit right there. I have my first nutritionist appointment next Monday in lieu of my therapy appointment (no worries – I’m not jumping the therapy ship… she had to cancel, and my nutritionist happened to be able to fit me in then, which worked perfectly, because I love having a routine and wanted to get this appointment in ASAP). I’m going to ask her for some snack suggestions that involve vegetarian protein options. I will likely have to get over my fear of nut butter (love them too much). But, I need to viable snacks and I need to mix it up and I’m having a hard enough time with meals. So, I’m hoping she can give me some variety. She eats a plant based diet too, so I think she’ll be great for that.

Anyway, you have to start everything somewhere. So, I think tomorrow, I’m going to start with a walk. I’m going to get up at 8. I’m going to walk to the gym. I’m going to walk on the treadmill for some time. Some time is good. It’s better than none time. But, it’s non-committal, so I can’t fail as long as I make it to the gym. It can be one minute, it can be 60 (it won’t be 60… haha. Laugh.). That will be a start. To something. Maybe it will be 6 weeks before I make it again. Maybe not. But tomorrow, I will spend some time on the treadmill. Or elliptical. Or some sort of something that gets my body moving in some fashion. Maybe I’ll just walk around campus and downtown if it’s nice out.

On a final note, the title of this blog post was inspired by a song that made me cry today. Cry out of sadness over my breakup with ED. I know I shouldn’t be sad, but I am. I know it’s necessary and I have to do it in order to live my life, but I can’t deny everything that he has meant to me… I mean, he isn’t just a part of me. He is me. We are the same person. And, this song, just hits the nail on the head. It’s about giving up on someone who you just love so much, and would do anything for, but they just consumed your entire being and in order to survive, you need to start over on your own. It’s about pleading to stay together, but ultimately, knowing you have to leave. It’s devastating and heartbreaking and leaves you yearning for more – for one more chance, for one more line, for one more binge… but just ends. Because one more could be the end of you and now could be your only chance to say goodbye.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Say something…

Rosalyn

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2 Responses to Say something; I’m giving up on you…

  1. jacksbed says:

    It’s nice to meet you. =)

    Reading your post, I was reminded of the five stages of grief. It’s some pretty powerful stuff. It gives you permission to own each of your feelings as you walk away from this unhealthy relationship. Because it *is* sad and you deserve to mourn its loss, just as you deserve CONstruction instead of DEstruction.

  2. Pingback: New year, same me. | Recovering Rosalyn's Roses

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